I Didn't Think It Was Fair To

There Are More Democratic Schmucks Than There Are Republican Ones.

I Regularly Sell Out More In England Than I Do In America.

My Material Is As New As Anything On The Dinner Table. What Difference Does It Make If I'm 70 Or If I'm 20? The Audience Knows They Aren't Getting Any Old Stories From Me.

I Can't Predict The Future And I Don't Have Respect For People Who Try To.

On The Murder Of New York Deli Owner Abe Lebewohl: It's Almost Like Wiping Out Carnegie Hall. A Sandwich To A Jew Is Just As Important As A Country To A Gentile.