I Buy Smoked Mackerel In A Vain

I Like To Read My Diary Occasionally To Remind Myself What A Miserable, Alienated Old Sod I Used To Be.

By Crying On My Bed, Drinking Quite A Lot And Feeling Tempted By Drugs. Well, Just Not Reading It To Be Perfectly Honest With You. I Know It's A Bit Of A Copout.

As A Comic And As A Nurse, It's Important To Look Calm On The Surface When You're Absolutely Crapping Yourself Inside. So, If Someone Is Waving A Machete At You, Which Has Happened To Me When I Was A Nurse, It's Important To Make That Person Feel That You're In Control.

I Can Honestly Say I've Never Sold Any Arms To A Repressive Foreign Regime While Reassuring Everyone At Home That The Weapons Will Be Used For Nice Things.

I Don't Like Doing Stand-up, Because I Don't Like Standing Up.