I Am Thankful I Was Born In

You Know You're Getting Fat When You Step On The Dog's Tail And He Dies.

There Are Many Comedians Who Are Afraid To Work Outside The Coasts And The Casinos Because They're Afraid They'll Bomb.

I Am Thankful The Most Important Key In History Was Invented. It's Not The Key To Your House, Your Car, Your Boat, Your Safety Deposit Box, Your Bike Lock Or Your Private Community. It's The Key To Order, Sanity, And Peace Of Mind. The Key Is 'delete.'

As A Standup Comedian, I've Worked Almost Every New Year's Eve Of My Adult Life. It's The Best-paying Night Of The Year.

I've Never Been Married, But I Tell People I'm Divorced So They Won't Think Something Is Wrong With Me.