Humanity Is A Crazy Contradiction. I Accept

My Name Has Zero Value.

I Don't Know Any Comedian Who Tailors His Act To His Audience. Maybe People Say They Do, But I Can't Even Imagine Them.

The Mistake That People Make In Stand-up Is Thinking They're Profound Or They're Deep When There Are So Many People Who Have More Worthwhile Ways Of Phrasing Things.

I Think If You Try To Tailor Your Act To Anybody, You End Up With An Act That Doesn't Work Anyway.

I Used To Love The Election Season'cause It's Kind Of Fun. Everyone Makes A Big Sport Out Of It With All These Different News Stories And Everything. I Like It Better Now That Everybody Knows All The Candidates From The Past 15 Years. But It Does Get Really Ugly. It's Ugly And It's Pugilist.