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If You Became A Comedian In The '80s, You Had To Work The Circuit And Make People Laugh. Canned Laughter Is Cheating.

All Disc Jockeys Are Without Talent. Noel Edmonds - I Can't Stand Noel Edmonds.

On My First Day In New York A Guy Asked Me If I Knew Where Central Park Was. When I Told Him I Didn't, He Said: Do You Mind If I Mug You Here?

I Was Trying To Organise My Dvds Into A Sort Of Chronological Order, And I Am Afraid That It All Trailed Off After The Sixties.

My Favourite Riposte To A Heckle Is To Say, 'excuse Me, I'm Trying To Work Here. How Would You Like It If I Stood Yelling Down The Alley While You're Giving Blow Jobs To Transsexuals?'