Every Sunday My Dad Calls To Ask

You Don't Know Anything About Pain Until You've Seen Your Own Baby Drowned In A Tub... And You Definitely Don't Know Anything About How To Wash A Baby.

In Comedy, I Hate That Cop-out Where You Say, "just Kidding." I Know You're Just Kidding. Don't Insult My Intelligence By Spelling It Out For Me That Much.

Silence Means They [the Audience] Are Paying Attention. Even If I Drop Bombs And They're Dead Quiet, It's Still Okay. If They Start Talking, That's When You've Lost Them.

I Let A Friend Set Me Up On A Blind Date. It Was A Disaster. She Ended Up Being A Burn Victim. By The End Of The Night.

Everyone Has The Same Kind Of Fears; Everyone Has The Same Big Problems In The World, Which Is, Like, Fear Of Death And I Hope Horrible Things Dont Happen To My Family, But They Do. And I Think People Laugh At Them As This Great Release.