Don't Use Barbiturates Before Going On Stage.

Your Dreams Are Always Going To Seem Much More Profound To You Then They Are To Your Friend.

I Learned In My Early Years In The Theater That I Would Never Become The Guy On Top. I'll Never Create A Show; I Don't Have A Brain Expansive Enough To See The Whole Picture, In A Way That Would Behoove Anyone.

I Am Always So Happy To Be At 'snl.' I Still Feel Like A Kid When I'm There, Like I Can't Believe I'm Watching Them Make The Show.

I Learned The Word Non-conformist In Fourth Grade And Immediately Announced That I Would Grow Up To Become One.

People Keep Referring To Me As A Standup, And That Just Doesn't Sit Well With Me Because A Lot Of My Friends Are Standups And They're Brilliant At Writing Jokes, And I'm Not.