Childhood Obesity Affects All Pedophiles.

Jeff Ross Has Been Roasting People Since Whitney Cummings Was Nothing But A Glint In The Eye Of The Man Who Raped Her Mother.

My Favorite Part Of Going To A Wedding Is Ruining The Wedding.

This Past Christmas, I Told My Girlfriend For Months In Advance That All I Wanted Was An Xbox. That's It. Beginning And End Of List, Xbox. You Know What She Got Me? A Homemade Frame With A Picture Of Us From Our First Date Together. Which Was Fine. Because I Got Her An Xbox.

You Can't Expect Everyone To Laugh Or Applaud You For Doing Edgy Things. Sometimes You'll Miss. But I Think Comedians Are Artists And There's A Value In Failure. It Kind Of Works Both Ways Between Comedians And Audiences. The Audience Has To Understand That Comedians Are Going To Sometimes Tell A Joke That Doesn't Work Out With Dark Subjects, And The Comedian Has To Understand That Sometimes They 'll Fail And It's Not The Audience's Fault For Not Getting It Or Loving It.

Every Year I Volunteer At A Hospital On Thanksgiving, Deep-frying Turkeys In The Children's Burn Unit. I Do It Just To See The Looks On Their Little "faces."