By The Power Of Steven Wright's Beard!

Alcohol Ruined Me Financially And Morally, Broke My Heart And The Hearts Of Too Many Others. Even Though It Did This To Me And It Almost Killed Me And I Haven't Touched A Drop Of It In Seventeen Years, Sometimes I Wonder If I Could Get Away With Drinking Some Now. I Totally Subscribe To The Notion That Alcoholism Is A Mental Illness Because Thinking Like That Is Clearly Insane.

I Had Lived In Fear Of The Fabled Terrifying Visions That Assail Chronic Drinkers, But Which Had Not Yet Attacked Me.

A Lot Of People Come To L.a. Looking For Something. What I Came Here For, I Realize Now, Is To Be Okay With Myself.

Now That Healthcare Is Guaranteed, I'm Frying Everything I Eat. Fried Food And Cigarettes.

I Haven't Had A Drink In Thirteen Years, But Occasionally I'm Tempted To Have One Beer. The Problem Is That If I Have That One Beer, I Wake Up In Tijuana Four Days Later With A Tattoo And A Sore Ass.