You've Got Bad Eating Habits If You

America May Be The Best Country In The World, But That's Kind Of Like Being The Valedictorian Of Summer School.

America Was Founded By Puritans And Like It Or Not The Anti-pleasure Dogma Of Those Buckled-shoed Killjoys Still Pervades Our Collective Unconscious Like An I-max Shot Of Dennis Franz's Naked Hairy Cop Ass. Hence, Anything Enjoyable Is Automatically Forbidden And Bad And In Our Panic To Avoid It At All Cost We Become Obsessed With It... Like Dressing Up In A Pink Teddy And A Pair Of Ugboots And Repeatedly Screaming The Word 'verboten!' Into A Conk Shell Balanced On The Back On A Miniature Pony... Oh, I See.. That Would Just Be Me.

Somebody Call Janet Reno - I Think I Just Saw Donato Dragging Doug Flutie Into A Locker Room Closet!

It Takes Zero Politically Correct People To Screw In A Lightbulb Because They Are Perpetually In The Dark.

I Think The American Legal System Sucks Worse Than A Celine Dion Cover Version Of Whole Lotta Love.