You Think You're So Cool Just Because

The Living Room Is A Monument To My Impulsive Spending Habits. I've Got More Than Two Hundred Dvds, Including Cinematic Greats Such As Monkey Bone, Corkey Romano, And A Night At The Roxbury, Leading Me To Believe Not Only Do I Have Awful Taste In Films, But I Also Have A Chris Kattan Fixation. What I Don't Have Is $4000 Earing Intrest In A Money Market Account.

I Yearn To Be A Woman Of More Depth, But I'm Not So Fond Of The Path I'd Need To Follow To Get There.

As I Examine My Life Through This Book, I Can't Help But Wonder If My Mother Was Right. Maybe I Really Was What I Ate. And Maybe If She'd Let Me Eat A Little More Sugar, I'd Have Come Out Sweeter.

For The Record? I Have Never Been Her Baby. In Fact, I Reject The Notion Of Coming Out Of Her Body. I Prefer To Believe I Was Hatched, Or Perhaps Purchased.

I'm A Humor Writer, So I Don't Always Present Myself In The Best Light.