You Can Say, 'can I Use Your

If You Take Off Your Pants And Her First Reaction Is, "awwww, Look At It...like A Little Baby Jesus." Time To Buy A Porsche.

I've Never Had A Surprise Birthday Party. I've Had Every Other Type Of Surprise. I've Had Surprise Beatings, Surprise Drug Tests, Surprise Daughter I Think.

Every Dude In Here Has Had A Fantasy About Jessica Simpson. Here's Mine: Jessica, Hold Your Sister Ashlee So I Can Kick Her In The Throat.

Men Are Having Sex With Animals And We Wonder Why The Animals Attack Us. And I'll Tell You Why: It's Cuz Of That One Sick Man, And It's Up To Me And A Half-mexican To Stop Him.

My Day Jobs... I Knew I Was Bad At Those, So I Didn't Really Have The Confidence To Think That I Could Do Comedy. But I Knew I Hated The Day Jobs.