Aspirin Will Not Bring Dead Hookers Back

I'm A Stand-up Comic. Anything Else I Do Besides That Is A Plus, But Stand-up Comedy Is What I Do, It's What I've Been Doing And It's What I'm Going To Keep Doing.

Every Dude In Here Has Had A Fantasy About Jessica Simpson. Here's Mine: Jessica, Hold Your Sister Ashlee So I Can Kick Her In The Throat.

I Have A Lot Of Pot Tendencies. I'm Always Late, I Laugh For No Reason, I Watch Jeopardy! With The Sound Off And Make Up My Own Questions.

I'm Very Romantic When I Masturbate. Sometimes I Light A Candle...then I Try And Shoot It Out. It's Like A Carnival.

I Feel Like Soundtrack Music Is Almost Like Seeing The Movie Again, But With My Ears.