Yesterday, I Masturbated For 45 Minutes... With

I Think Comedy Is A Really, Really Good Tool For Trying To Say Something.

I Just Could Just Shave My Beard, And Nobody Would Recognize Me. Although I Look Like Jodie Foster.

I Don't Mean To Be Gross, But The Only Time It's Good To Yell "i Have Diarrhea" Is When You're Playing Scrabble Because It's Worth A Shitload Of Points.

I'm The Most Mellow Person Offstage. I Think It's Just, Going Onstage Lets Me Get Out Some Frustration That I'm Too Shy To Do In Real Life. Instead Of Doing It In Private, I'd Rather Do It In Front Of 1,000 People Who've Paid $25 To See Me Lose My Mind.

Don't Boo People! Don't Boo! Be More Specific! Like, 'why Are You Doing That?! I Hate That! I Hate It!'