When You're Doing Standup You're Kind Of

I Don't Really Have A Pattern Yet. I Don't Know If I'll Develop One. As Far As Comedic Integrity, I Don't Have Integrity In General, Comedic Or Otherwise.

I Have Never Been Much Of A Groomer. I Take Baths A Lot, But I Don't Wear Deodorant. I Don't Have To. I Have A Miraculous Body Scent. I've Had Women Smell Me And Say That Should Be Bottled. I Would Advise Guys To Lay Off The Drakkar, Because The Cavemen Weren't Wearing It. They Might Have Been Putting Mint Leaves On Their Balls, But Your Scent Is Grown Naturally. I Have Really Good Dating Advice.

I Think If You Come Out To California Trying To Be An Actor, It's Pretty Hard. There's Desperation. A Lot Of People Are Desperate, And A Lot Of People Are Clueless, Including Me. It's Hard To Try To Figure It Out. I've Never Told You, But I Have Head Shots That If You Saw Them... They're So Terrible! It's So Embarrassing.

I Have To Stop Crying When I Watch "the View". It's Not Because Of The Topics At Hand, I Just Feel Sorry For That Couch.

When I Do Stand-up For A Long Time, I'll Get Burned Out, Then I'll Get An Acting Gig. For Me, The Grass Is Always Greener. I'd Like To Do A Mixture Of All Of It. My Goal Is Just To Do Small Movies That I've Written. That's What I'm Trying To Do Now, Just Write Smaller Movies.