When Hiring, Mix Harvard Nerds With Chicago

Every Morning, When Alaskans Wake Up, One Of The First Things They Do, Is Look Outside To See If There Are Any Russians Hanging Around. And If There Are, You Gotta Go Up To Them And Ask, 'what Are You Doing Here?' And If They Can't Give You A Good Reason, It's Our Responsibility To Say, You Know, 'shoo! Get Back Over There!'

And I Can See Russia From My House.

You Can Fix It As Soon As You Get Up - You Brush And Use Mouthwash - But There’s Something About Knowing You Woke Up With Hot-mothball Mouth That Makes You Feel Old. I Think God Designed Our Mouths To Die First To Help Us Slowly Transition To The Grave.

It Is Less Dangerous To Draw A Cartoon Of Allah French-kissing Uncle Sam — Which, Let Me Make It Very Clear, I Have Not Done — Than It Is To Speak Honestly About [working Moms].

President Bush Gave A Rousing Speech To The United Nations General Assembly. Afterward, In A Touching Show Of Support, Every Foreign Dignitary Shook Hands With The President And Smiled Warmly As He Mispronounced Their Names.