Vampires Probably Don't Have Great Breath.

Stand Up Is Really Fun Because If I Think Of A Joke Or A Funny Idea, Then I Can Just Go And Tell Some People And If They Laugh, They Laugh Right Away.

A Couple Weeks Ago I Was On The Street And I Saw An Ugly Pregnant Lady, And I Just Thought, 'good For You.'

Now I Got A Time Machine At Home. It Only Goes Foreword At Regular Speed. It's Essentially A Cardboard Box And On The Outside I Wrote Time Machine In Sharpie.

You Can Say 'thanks,' And You Can Say 'thanks A Million' - But Any Number In Between?

My Friend Has Hand Soap That Smells Like Coconut. It's Nice. Unless Your Hands Are Dirty From Coconuts.