To Make A Squirrel Look Less Uptight,

Never Be Less Interesting Than Your Refrigerator Magnets.

For Me And Most Of My Friends Who Are Comedians, If You've Been Doing Comedy For A While, Your Tolerance For Things Actually Moves. I Find It Very Hard To Be Shocked, And When Other People Aggressively Take Offense To Something, I'm Sometimes Confused.

I Used To Play Sports. Then I Realized You Can Buy Trophies. Now I Am Good At Everything.

When I Am Holding A Water Balloon, So Many Things Look So Unnecessarily Dry.

It's Always Helpful To Remember That In The Grand Scheme Of Things You Are Much More Important Than... Um, Wait, Than... Something, Maybe.