There Are No I's In We But

If 'what Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger,' How Do You Explain Zombies?

I'm A Believer That When One Door Closes Another One Opens. But Why Does The One Opening Always Hit Me Full-speed-knob-first Into My Nuts?

Stop It, Stop Lighting Your Butthol On Fire, And Everybody Listen To Me. If You Light Your Ass On Fire, I Hope You Have Boxers Or A Filter Of Somekind, Because If Your A Bareass Person. Not A Lot Of People Have Done This. Stop It. This Is Why. You Can Cauterize Your Asshole Shut, So When You Fart It Has Nowhere To Go And You Can Have A Fart Attack.

What Do You Do If You're In The Car And Your Girlfriend Touches Your Crotch Then Asks You To Remind Her To Get Kitchen Scissors?

A Lot Of People Ask Me What My Favorite Episode Of Full House Was, I Always Tell Them: It Was The Last One!