That’s The Big Challenge Of Life—to Chisel

When You Commit Your Life To Something And It Doesn't Work Out, It Is A Tough Place To Be. Suicide Can Be The Spiritual Reprieve Of A Faithless Person. I Knew I Could Always Just End It, And There Was Solace In That.

I Think Most Other Comics Are Like, 'i'm Going To Do My Fkin' Act And That'll Be That.' With Me, It's Like, 'what If I Forget My Jokes? What If I Can't Pull It Together? This Is Going To Be A Fking Disaster!'

Most Of The Comics That I Talk To I've Never Talked To For More Than Ten Minutes Ever. So 95 Percent Of The Time You're Really Hearing The First Conversation Between Me And That Guy On The Podcast.

Dogs Are Too Much To Handle. I Don't Need Anything In My House That's Needier Than Me.

A Lot Of People Think That Jesus Is Coming Back. That's Fine, It's Your Right. But You Know, I Live In New York, And I Think He's Running A Little Late. I'm Asking Myself, 'alright, What Happens If Jesus Comes Back Tomorrow? What - Does He Make Rounds To Churches?' 'ok, Everyone Who's Been Good, Buses Leave In 10 Minutes. I'll Meet You In Front Of The Post Office. I Gotta Go. Oh, Don't Tell The Jews I'm Back.'