Self-pity Shortens Your Life.

I've Learned To Have Absolutely No Regrets About Any Jokes I've Ever Done. You Can Tune Me Out, You Can Click Me Off, It's Ok. I Am Not Going To Bow To Political Correctness.

I Am Definitely Going To Watch The Emmys This Year! My Makeup Team Is Nominated For “best Special Effects.”

God Always Comes Up With A Third Act Twist -- And We Won't Know Until We Die Whether The Play Was A Comedy Or A Tragedy.

You Have To Do More Than Just Kill Time Or Time Will Quickly Kill You.

I'm No Cook. When I Want Lemon On Chicken, I Spray It With Pledge.