Self-pity Shortens Your Life.

Elizabeth Taylor Was So Fat That Whenever She Went To London In A Red Dress, 30 Passengers Would Try To Board Her.

I'm Sure Some Of You Are Wondering Whether My Breasts Are Real. Let Me Just Explain To You. This One Is, This One Isn't.

My Husband Wanted To Be Cremated. I Told Him I'd Scatter His Ashes At Neiman Marcus - That Way, I'd Visit Him Every Day.

Having A Baby Can Be A Scream.

What Could Be Nicer Than To Have Three Horrible Children Behind You In An Airplane, And The Next Set, You Go Onstage And You Talk About How Much You Despise The Children And What You Would Like To Do To Them On An Airplane? That's The Only Time I Would Gladly Take A Terrorist On. It'd Be Worth It To Get Rid Of These Children.