President Obama And House Speaker John Boehner

The 99 Cent Only Store Is Calling Itself Your Valentine's Day Headquarters. Guys, If That's Your Valentine's Day Headquarters, You Can Also Call The Garage Your New Home.

Obama Called On Americans To Have More Grandchildren. Probably So There's More Of Them To Pay Off Our Debt.

Now, I Have A Halloween Mask I Think You Might Get A Kick Out Of. That's Scary.

Remember When We Used To Worry About Some Weirdo Having A Razor Blade Inside An Apple On Halloween? Not Anymore. Like A Kid Today Would Eat An Apple.

If There Isn't A Parking Space Out Front Or I Can't See My Car From The Window, We're Eating Somewhere Else.