Paris Hilton Got 45 Days In Jail.

I'm Sure You Know By Now, Jesse Jackson Was Overheard Saying, And I'll Put This More Delicately, That He Wanted To Cut Barack Obama's Testicles Off. And Jesse Has Been On Several News Programs The Last Couple Of Days, Explaining What He Meant By Those Comments. Do You Need To Explain That?

For The First Time In History, Sex Is More Dangerous Than The Cigarette Afterward.

The United States Military Is Now Using The Music Of Metallica And Other Heavy Metal Bands To Break The Will Of Saddam Hussein Supporters To Get Them To Talk. Theyre Blaring Heavy Metal Music At Them. That Should Make The Artist Feel Pretty Good, Huh? Put Your Heart And Soul Into Your Last Cd And The Army Is Using It To Torture People.

According To The Latest Poll, A Record 73 Percent Of Americans Think The Country Is Headed In The Wrong Direction. But The Good News: Gas Is So Expensive That We'll Never Get There.

And Under The New Guidelines Issued By The Obama Administration, Federal Agents Will Not Pursue Pot-smoking Patients In States That Allow Medical Marijuana. This New Policy Is Called 'don't Ask, Don't -- What Was I Talking About?'