Pain Only Hurts When You Are Looking

I Always Thought That If I Got No Love At All Early In My Standup Career, Or I Was God Awful, I Thought I'd Get Into Psychology.

Here's The Thing About Red Sox Fans, Or Actually Just Fans From That Region, In General: They Appreciate The Effort. And If You Mail It In Or If You Give 80 Percent, Even With A Win, They'll Let You Know That's Not How You Do It. They Want - If It's Comedian, If It's A Musician, Bring Us Your Best Show.

I'm Watching Some Television Tonight. I'm Watching The Discovery Channel. You Know, This Channel, You Never Ever Plan On Watching This. It Just Happens. You're Flickin' Around, All Of A Sudden - Boom - You're Watching A Mole For An Hour-and-a-half.

It's The Worst Feeling When You Come Home Alone Late At Night And Think The Stranger Sitting On Your Couch Is A Pile Of Clothes.

I Always Wanted To Be A Snake. Every Time I Saw A Snake On Tv. I'd Always Say 'why Not Me?'