Nothing Can Help My Comedy.

I Just Don't Accept Midgets As Human Beings. There's Only So Much Political Correctness I Can Accept.

I Always Wish The Hotels Were Like They Are In Movies And Tv Shows, Where If You're In Paris, Right Outside Your Window Is The Eiffel Tower. In Egypt, The Pyramids Are Right There. In The Movies, Every Hotel Has A Monument Right Outside Your Window. My Hotel Rooms Overlook The Garbage Dumpster In The Back Alley.

I'd Like To Have A Kid, But I'd Probably Get A Frank Sinatra Jr. Instead Of A Gilbert Gottfried Jr. I'd Totally Screw Up Like That.

I Wanted To Be A Brain Surgeon, But I Had A Bad Habit Of Dropping Things.

There Are Certain Things I Don't Want To Joke About. If It's About Somebody Else, It's Fine. If It's About Me, I Think It's Totally Insensitive!