Nobody Is Going To Be As Bad

I've Never Written Jokes. I Mean, I'll Write Things On A Piece Of Paper And Riff On Them Onstage.

What President Of The Airline Is Doing Is, He's Urging Everyone To Give Up Their Frequent Flyer Miles For Sick Kids... But As I Was Reading This, There Were Two Empty Seats Next To Me. Why Can't Sick Kids Sit There? If They're So Concerned With Sick Kids, Shouldn't They Have Like A Pen Of Sick Kids Next To The Gate?

I Know Dave [attel] And We're Friendly, And I Have Nothing But Respect For Him.

Once You Get Into The [donald] Trump Stuff, You Get People Going, "i Didn't Come Here To Have My Political Views Bashed."

I'm Going To Keep Talking About What I Think Is Interesting For My Entire Career. If You Want To Hear About How Women Do A Lot Of Shoe Shopping Or How Being Married Sucks, Go See The Guy Who Does Jokes About That. But If You Come To See My Live Show, There's Going To Be 20 Minutes On Religion For The Rest Of My Life, Probably. If That Makes Me A Caricature, So Be It.