My Wife Has To Be The Worst

I Told My Dentist My Teeth Are Going Yellow. He Told Me To Wear A Brown Tie.

My Family Was A Bunch Of Drunks. When I Was Six I Came Up Missing, They Put My Picture On A Bottle Of Scotch.

Yeah, I Know I'm Ugly... I Said To A Bartender, 'make Me A Zombie.' He Said 'god Beat Me To It.'

I Went To A Gay Bar, They Wanted Proof Of Sex So I Showed Them, They Said It Wasn't Enough.

A Homeless Guy Came Up To Me On The Street, Said He Hadn't Eaten In Four Days. I Told Him, "man, I Wish I Had Your Willpower.