My Father Used To Beat Me With

I'm The Most Mellow Person Offstage. I Think It's Just, Going Onstage Lets Me Get Out Some Frustration That I'm Too Shy To Do In Real Life. Instead Of Doing It In Private, I'd Rather Do It In Front Of 1,000 People Who've Paid $25 To See Me Lose My Mind.

You Know How Some People Have Gay-dar? I Have Fat-dar. I Can Automatically Tell If You're Fat Or Not. And I Also Have Cerebral-palsy-dar.

If You See Something, Say Something.

You Know It's Time To Do The Laundry When You Dry Off With A Sneaker.

My New Year's Resolution Was To Stop Saying 'you Go, Girl' To Myself.