Listening Is More Important Than Talking.

The Heroic New York Doctor Who Caught Ebola Has Been Declared Ebola Free. President Obama Called The Doctor To Thank Him For His Selflessness And Compassion. Then To Be Safe, Obama Threw His Phone In A Trash Can And Lit It On Fire.

I Feel Like I'm Being Too Zen. I'm Inhaling Too Much Patchouli And Incense. It's Embarrassing.

President Obama Recently Sat Down With Espn And Said The Ncaa Should Reduce The Shot Clock For Basketball Games. Then He Said, 'and While We're At It, Is There Any Way They Can Reduce The 'being President Clock?'

Thank You... Motion Sensor Hand Towel Machine. You Never Work, So I Just End Up Looking Like I'm Waving Hello To A Wall Robot.

I Honestly, Purposely Have Not Gone To Therapy Because I Know Some Crazy Stuff's Going To Be Dragged Up And, You Know, I'll Be Like, 'wait, What?'