Life's A Short Trip. You'll Find Out.

When I Was A Kid We Were So Poor, If I Hadn't Been A Boy I Wouldn't Have Had Anything To Play With.

I Started Over Again With An Image: Nothing Goes Right. Then When The Godfather Came Out, All I Heard Was, Show Respect. With Me, You Show Respect. So I Changed The Image To I Don't Get No Respect. I Tried It Out In Greenwich Village. I Remember The First Joke I Told: Even As A Kid, I'd Play Hide And Seek And The Other Kids Wouldn't Even Look For Me. The People Laughed. After The Show, They Started Saying To Me, Me, Too - I Don't Get No Respect. I Figured, Let's Try It Again.

It's Tough To Stay Married. My Wife Says No Because She's Tired Then Stays Up And Reads Her Book.

When My Old Man Wanted Sex, My Mother Would Show Him A Picture Of Me.

She Was So Ugly That I Took Her To A Dog Show And She Won First Prize.