I've Stopped Drinking, But Only While I'm

They Say Paul Gascoigne Is The New George Best But Has He Shagged Three Miss Worlds?

I Want To Be Remembered For My Football And The Pleasure I Gave People.

To Call Keegan A Superstar Is Stretching A Point.

He Can't Kick With His Left Foot, He Can't Head A Ball, He Can't Tackle And He Doesn't Score Many Goals. Apart From That He's All Right.

Me And A Mate Picked Up Two Darling Birds And They Took Us Back To Their Flat. I Went Into The Bedroom With My Bird And She Started Getting Undressed. I Was That Drunk I Was Standing There Wondering How To Get Undressed Without Letting Go Of The Award. I Went To Sit On The Bed, Missed It By Four Feet And Ended Up Lying On The Floor. I Remember The Bird Looking Down At Me, And Saying, ‘some Player Of The Year.’ Then I Fell Asleep. I Woke Up Still Clutching My Award And Staggered Out Of The Flat. I Hadn’t A Bloody Clue Where I Was.