It Is Vain To Complain Of Fortune

Never Raise Expectations In Others That You Cannot Realize: Promise Is Less Pleasing Than Disappointment Is Vexatious.

I Went To A Hypnotist. He Put Me Under A Spell, And Every Time I Had A Craving For A Cigarette, I Would Throw Up. It's Very Embarrassing Right After Sex. I Find It Pretty Hard To Get That Second Date After That. Girls Get All Snobby After You Barf On Them.

It's A Very Odd Thing With Hollywood, Where You Do Stand-up, You're Good At It, Then They Go, "how Would You Like To Be A Horrible Actor?" Then You Say, "all Right, That Sounds Good. I'll Do That."

If You're Watching A Comedian On Television And He's Making A Political Point, I Would Say He's Gotten Too Serious.

I Would Love To Stay At Snl Forever. But You Can't Stay In The Same Place. People Think You're A Loser.