In Fact, I Don't Watch A Lot

When I Used To Do The Edinburgh Festival, There Was A Bunch Of Guys Selling Fresh Oysters And I'd Eat Ten Daily - Marvellous.

On My First Day In New York A Guy Asked Me If I Knew Where Central Park Was. When I Told Him I Didn't, He Said: Do You Mind If I Mug You Here?

At One Point In The Mid-eighties I Shared A Promoter With The Smiths. One Night, We Were Sitting Backstage When Morrissey Burst In, Utterly Distraught, Sobbing His Heart Out. Turns Out Someone Had Thrown A Sausage At Him On Stage During 'meat Is Murder.'

I Have Never Sold My Story, Done Hello! Magazine, Any Of That Stuff. I'm Not Guilty Of Exploiting My Private Life For Cash And Then Saying, 'oh, I Don't Want To Talk About My Private Life.' I've Never Crossed That Line.

In 1987, I Was In Edinburgh Doing My First One-man Show. I Took Part In A Kickabout With Some Fellow Comedians And Tripped Over My Trousers And Heard This Cracking Sound In My Leg. A Couple Of Days Later I Went Into A Coma And Was Diagnosed With A Pulmonary Embolism.