In April 1975 I Was Born And

I Love The Holiday Season, Almost As Much As I Love Touching Myself In Front Of Orphans.

What Else Could I Tell Them? I Like My Women Like I Like My Whiskey: 12 Years Old And Mixed Up With Coke.

People Have Called Me Fake, But Personally, I Don't Think I'm Fake Because I'm So Insincere.

Honestly, The Only Way Garden State Could Have Been Better Was If I Played Every Character. I'm Awesome.

First I Took A Crap On The Hooker's Chest, Then I Told Her I'd Pay Her A Thousand Dollars To Eat It. She Was Addicted To Crack, So Of Course She Did It. It Was So Gross, Though, It Made Her Throw Up, So I Said I'd Pay Her Another Thousand To Lick All That Up, Too. She Started To, But For Some Reason She Started Crying As She Was Doing It, Saying, 'i Went To College! I Have A Degree!' Oh Man, It Was Hilarious. I Don't Know If It Was Technically Sex Because I Just Beat Off On Her Face, But Definitely One Of My Most Intense Orgasms.