I'm Not The Kind Of Person Who

I Had A Dream Once. I Wanted To Do A Line Of Cocaine Off A Hooker's Ass. That's When I Realized, 'hey, I'm Freakin' Zach Braff.' I Did It The Next Morning.

I Was Kosher Until I Had My Bar Mitzvah, And I Parlayed Officially Becoming A Man Into Telling My Father I Wanted To Eat Cheeseburgers.

I Tried It A Few Times But Didn't See The Point. I'm Zach Braff. What The Fudge Do I Need A Team For Besides Holding Me Back And Sucking? If I Wanted That, I'd Just Walk On The Set Of 'scrubs'.

I Once Looked In The Mirror At Myself And Noticed That, Without A Doubt, I Am A Sexy Man. In Fact, I Don't Think I'll Ever Get Married...it Just Wouldn't Be Fair For My Spouse To Catch Me Enjoying A Look In The Mirror More Than Having Sex With Her.

Sometimes, I Go To Barnes & Noble With The Sole Intention Of Moving All Copies Of The Bible To The Fiction Section.