I'm Actually A Really Nice Guy, Once

I Grew Up In A Poor Family. I Had To Cut Everyone's Hair, Because We Didn't Have Money For Entertainment.

I Never Go See Live Comedy Shows Because I Just Sit In The Audience Thinking, "here's What I Would Say. Here's What I Would Do If I Got Up There." It Drives Me Crazy.

About A Month Ago Some Kids In My Neighborhood Were Playing Hide-and-go-seek And One Of Them Ended Up In An Abandoned Refrigerator. It's All Anybody Talked About For Weeks. I Said, 'who Cares? How Many Kids You Know Get To Die A Winner?

Whenever I Meet A Pretty Girl, The First Thing I Look For Is Intelligence; Because If She Doesn't Have That, Then She’s Mine.

I'm Trying To Teach My Girlfriend How To Surf. But I Just End Up Yelling At Her The Whole Time. Because I Don't Know How To Surf.