I'm Actually A Really Nice Guy, Once

When I Die, I Want To Be Cremated With Everybody.

Whenever I’m About To Have Sex With A Girl, I Play It Smart And Just Automatically Assume She Has Herpes; Because That Way I Don’t Have To Tell Her About My Herpes.

If I Tell A Joke On Stage And The Crowd Laughs For A Minute, I Stand There For A Minute And Enjoy Them Laughing Before I Go On To The Next Joke. On Tv, If I Stand There For A Minute While They Laugh, I Look Like An Idiot Who Can't Remember The Next Joke.

Who Do You Think Was Smarter, Jesus Or Buddha? I Mean, Just In Terms Of Not Letting Themselves Get Crucified.

I Come Up With My Jokes By Thinking Of A Topic.