I'm Actually A Really Nice Guy, Once

I Feel Worthless. My Girlfriend Was Attacked On The Subway Yesterday. And I Can't Even Enjoy It.

Father's Day Makes Me Wish I Could Talk To My Dad Just One More Time, Instead Of All The Time.

The Opposite Of Sad Is Down's Syndrome.

I'm Not A Comedy Writer, I'm A Comedian, So I Only Write Stuff That I Would Want To Say.

I'm Too Cynical To Be An Optimist.