I'm A Self-made Man. Who Else Would

I Don't Like To Play The Piano. It Makes Me Too Attractive.

I'm A Concert Pianist, That's A Pretentious Way Of Saying I'm Unemployed At The Moment.

I Don't Drink. I Don't Like It. It Makes Me Feel Good.

I've Given Up Reading Books. I Find It Takes My Mind Off Myself.

Talent's Like A Baby. Wrap It Up In Wool And It Goes To Sleep.