If You See Something, Say Something.

My Girlfriend And I Went To A Dinner Party The Other Night And We Ended Up Playing Charades. There Was Another Couple There That Was Deaf. They Were So Good.

Four Years Ago On This Very Day I Tried To Take My Own Life. And I Said, "zach, Do It In Front Of Your Co-workers And End The Misery." I Don't Know How Many Of You Ever Tried To Jump Off Of A Pizza Hut, But You'll Just Get A Sprained Ankle Out Of The Deal. Then You'll Have To Go Back Inside, And Serve Crazy Bread.

I Once Walked In On My Grandparents Making Love...and That's Why I Don't Eat Raisins.

I'll Never Forget My Grandmother's Last Words. She Said 'what Are You Doing?'

Element Of Surprise Is Really Fun For Me In Comedy. I Have To Be Surprised, And Everything's Been Done.