If I Get Big Laughs, I'm A

Lots Of People Have Asked Me What Gracie And I Did To Make Our Marriage Work. It's Simple - We Don't Do Anything. I Think The Trouble With A Lot Of People Is That They Work Too Hard At Staying Married. They Make A Business Out Of It. When You Work Too Hard At A Business You Get Tired; And When You Get Tired You Get Grouchy; And When You Get Grouchy You Start Fighting; And When You Start Fighting You're Out Of Business.

People Are Always Asking Me When I'm Going To Retire. Why Should I? I've Got It Two Ways - I'm Still Making Movies, And I'm A Senior Citizen, So I Can See Myself At Half Price.

Money Is The Root Of All Evil.' Then We Hear, 'a Fool And His Money Are Soon Parted.' What Are They Talking About? If Money Is So Evil, Shouldn't It Be, 'a Wise Man And His Money Are Soon Parted'? And Another Thing, How Does A Fool Get Money In The First Place? I Know Some Fools Who Have A Lot Of Money, But They Won't Tell Me How They Got It, And I Won't Tell Them.

I Never Go Jogging, It Makes Me Spill My Martini.

Well, Anybody Can Be A Straight Man If He Hears Well. You Just Have To Wait For Laughs. A Straight Man Just Repeats The Questions And The Comedian Gets The Laughs And You Just Wait For Them And Don't Let Them Die Completely At The Tail End Of The Laugh.