I Think Mankind Is Overly Sensitive, Very

The Big Political News, Arnold Schwarzenegger Announced He's Running For Governor Of California, And Already, People Are Chanting, 'four More Vowels, Four More Vowels.

Lot Of People Wondering If John Kerry Supports Gay Marriages. Here's A Hint ... He Gets $1,000 Haircuts.

In Massachusetts, Scientists Have Created The First Human Clone. The Bad Thing Is That In Thirty Years, The Clone Will Still Be Depressed Because The Boston Red Sox Will Still Have Not Won A World Series.

Our Top Story, In 'threat Matrix Reloaded' News ... Attorney General John Ashcroft And Fbi Director Robert Muller Held A Press Conference Today To Announce That Al Qaeda Is Planning Attacks Somewhere Inside The United States At Sometime In The Future. So Go About Your Normal Lives, But With A Vague Sense Of Foreboding.

Bryant Gumbel Is Thrilled About His Cbs Deal And Can't Wait To Start Alienating The Staff Of An Entirely New Network.