I Smoke So Much. Three Packs A

Have You Seen That Magazine Barely Legal? That Means When You Look At It, You're Almost A Pedophile.

There's A Fine Line Between Masturbating While You Look Out A Window, And Masturbating While You're Looking In A Window. I'll Give You A Hint: One Of 'em Is Super Illegal.

I Keep Getting These People At My Shows Who Only Know Me From Television. I Can Always Tell When They're, Like, Emotionally Flinching When I Start Doing My Jokes.

I'm Very Romantic When I Masturbate. Sometimes I Light A Candle...then I Try And Shoot It Out. It's Like A Carnival.

I Don't Mind A Crowd's Not Laughing; It's The Groans That Slow Down The Show.