I Saw This Anti-drug Commercial That Showed

People Sometimes Say How Standup Is So Hard, And I Always Tell Them That It's Hard At The Beginning.

Rick Santorum Doesn't Like Sex. He Doesn't Like The Pill. He Really Doesn't Like Condoms. He Said If Men Are Going To Pull Something On To Prevent Procreation, Nothing Works Better That A Sweater Vest.

When I Hear From People That Religion Doesn't Hurt Anything, I Say Really? Well Besides Wars, The Crusades, The Inquisitions, 9-11, Ethnic Cleansing, The Suppression Of Women, The Suppression Of Homosexuals, Fatwas, Honor Killings, Suicide Bombings, Arranged Marriages To Minors, Human Sacrifice, Burning Witches, And Systematic Sex With Children, I Have A Few Little Quibbles. And I Forgot Blowing Up Girl Schools In Afghanistan.

Last Week John Mccain Said The Fundamentals Of Our Economy Are Strong. This Week, He Said It's The Worst Crisis Since World War Ii. So He Suspended His Campaign, Unless You Count Doing Interviews, Airing Attack Ads, Sending Out Surrogates On Tv To Attack Obama.

I Just Don't See Why Anybody Would Vote Republican In The Army. If You Want To Support The Troops, If I Was A Troop, I Would Say, 'you Know How To Support Me? Don't Send Me To Stupid Wars.'