I Never Read The Tabloids.

A Mom And Dad Found An S&m Magazine Under Their 10-year-old Son's Bed, And The Dad Said, 'well, We Sure Can't Spank Him.'

I Think Abc Sort Of Hoped I Would Be Really Like Carol Burnett. I Mean Literally, I Think.

When People Come To See My Stand-up, They Get A Chance To See My Characters Interact With Each Other.

My Obama Is Getting Pretty Good ... I Think I'll Vote For Whoever Makes My Portrayal Easier. It Takes Time To Put Together A Comic Impression. It Takes Time To Recognize The Tics. Right Now, For Instance, I Could Do A Dead- On Paul Ryan And People Wouldn't Recognize It. Personalities Take A While To Sin.

You Know, Elizabeth Taylor Must Be In Heaven Going, 'alright, Fire Two Honey!'