I Need To Give Affection And Love,

Take My Wife... Please. I'm Not Saying She's Ugly, But When She Went To See A Horror Film, The Audience Thought She Was Making A Personal Appearance.

Last Year My Wife Ran Off With The Fellow Next Door And I Must Admit, I Still Miss Him.

Mind You, I've Always Been Musical... Mother Used To Sit Me On Her Knee And I'd Whisper, 'mummy, Mummy, Sing Me A Lullaby Do,' And She'd Say: 'certainly My Angel, My Wee Bundle Of Happiness, Hold My Beer While I Fetch Me Banjo.'

I Can Always Tell When The Mother In Law's Coming To Stay; The Mice Throw Themselves On The Traps.

The Mother-in-law Is The Centre Of A Family.