I Need To Give Affection And Love,

I'm Not Saying My Mother Didn't Like Me, But She Kept Looking For Loopholes In My Birth Certificate.

I Took The Wife's Family Out For Tea Biscuits. They Weren't Too Happy About Having To Give Blood Though.

The Mother-in-law Is The Centre Of A Family.

Mind You, I've Always Been Musical... Mother Used To Sit Me On Her Knee And I'd Whisper, 'mummy, Mummy, Sing Me A Lullaby Do,' And She'd Say: 'certainly My Angel, My Wee Bundle Of Happiness, Hold My Beer While I Fetch Me Banjo.'

My Lad Chewed And Swallowed A Dictionary. We Gave Him Epsom Salts - But We Can't Get A Word Out Of Him.