I Like How Blogging Emulates Fandom Because

It Does Feel Great To Be Writing, But The Process Is Sometimes Excruciating.

To Really Be Tortured By A Song, It Needs To Be More Than Just Something You Don't Like Or Don't Get; It Has To Make Your Skin Crawl By Getting Under It. Strangely, That Last Clause Could Describe Provocative Or Daring Music, As Well.

I've Always Been A Fan First And Foremost - Obsessing Over Bands And Seeking Out Bands, And Spending Hours And Hours Listening. When I Played Music, The Scope Of My Fandom Became More Myopic; I Was Focusing On The Bands We Were Touring With, Or The Bands On The Label. And You're Always Positing Yourself In Relation To Other Bands. Since I Haven't Been Playing, I Feel A Little Less Cynical. I'm Able To Seek Out Music And Approach It Strictly As A Fan.

The Idea Of Self-effacement, The Idea That You Feel So Powerless That The Only Tiny Morsel Of Power You Have Is Over Your Own Ability To Deny Yourself Food - That To Me Is A Very Profound And Sad Methodology And Indicator Of How Powerless A Lot Of People Feel In This World. That They Will Turn That Onto Themselves Until They Are Physically Smaller. I Think It's Affected My Worldview A Lot - Just Being Sensitive And Empathetic Towards The Ways People Want To Be Small. I Don't Wish Smallness For Anyone.

Wholeness Is Sort Of A Dubious Concept. Because In Terms Of The Human Body And Literal Wholeness And Structures, You Think: "here Are The Structures That Help Make Me Whole." Family, Or School, Or The City I Live In. When Those Structures Are Dysfunctional Or Decaying, You End Up Kind Of Frankensteining Pieces From Everywhere In Order To Make Yourself Sated And Comfortable And Alive.