I Haven't Slept For Ten Days, Because

I Wish I Could Play Little League Now. I'd Be Way Better Than Before.

The Commercial For Diet Dr. Pepper Says It Tastes Just Like Regular Dr. Pepper. Well, Then They Screwed Up!

I Like Kit-kat, Unless I'm With Four Or More People.

When You're In Hollywood And You're A Comedian, Everybody Wants You To Do Other Things. All Right, You're A Stand-up Comedian, Can You Write Us A Script? That's Not Fair. That's Like If I Worked Hard To Become A Cook, And I'm A Really Good Cook, They'd Say, "ok, You're A Cook. Can You Farm?"

I've Never Been To A Hotel With A Rotating Restaurant On Top, But One Time I Took My Girlfriend To A Merry-go-round, And I Gave Her A Burrito.