I Have Been Commissioned To Write An

It's Not Name Dropping, But Not Many People Can Say, Like Me, That They Spent The Day With The Likes Of Francis Bacon Or That Boring Drunk Dylan Thomas. You Don't Forget Things Like That.

In Most Betting Shops You Will See Three Windows Marked 'bet Here', But Only One Window With The Legend 'pay Out'.

You Never See A Pretty, Unattached Girl On A Racecourse. But You Often See Positive Gangs Of Rather Unpretty Ones. They Are The Owners Or The Owners' Wives And They Wear Mink In All Weathers And Far Too Much Make-up. For Some Odd Reason, I Can Never Work Out Why They Always Seem To Be Married To Haulage Contractors In The North, Builders In The South And Farmers In The West.

It's One Thing To Ask Your Bank Manager For An Overdraft To Buy 500 Begonias For The Borders In Haslemere, But Quite Another To Seek Financial Succour To Avail Oneself Of The 5-2 They're Offering On Lie De Bourbon For The St Leger.

Women Should Have Labels On Their Foreheads Saying, 'government Health Warning: Women Can Seriously Damage Your Brains, Genitals, Current Account, Confidence, Razor Blades, And Good Standing Among Your Friends'.