I Had A Terrible Temper, After All,

When People Are Suicidal, Their Thinking Is Paralyzed, Their Options Appear Spare Or Nonexistent, Their Mood Is Despairing, And Hopelessness Permeates Their Entire Mental Domain. The Future Cannot Be Separated From The Present, And The Present Is Painful Beyond Solace. ‘this Is My Last Experiment,’ Wrote A Young Chemist In His Suicide Note. ‘if There Is Any Eternal Torment Worse Than Mine I’ll Have To Be Shown.

The Chinese Believe That Before You Can Conquer A Beast You First Must Make It Beautiful. In Some Strange Way, I Have Tried To Do That With Manic-depressive Illness. It Has Been A Fascinating, Albeit Deadly, Enemy And Companion; I Have Found It To Be Seductively Complicated, A Distillation Both Of What Is Finest In Our Natures, And Of What Is Most Dangerous.

An Ardent Temperament Makes One Very Vulnerable To Dreamkillers.

But Then Back On Lithium And Rotating On The Planet At The Same Pace As Everyone Else, You Find Your Credit Is Decimated, Your Mortification Complete: Mania Is Not A Luxury One Can Easily Afford. It Is Devastating To Have The Illness And Aggravating To Have To Pay For Medications, Blood Tests, And Psychotherapy. They, At Least, Are Partially Deductible. But Money Spent While Manic Doesn't Fit Into The Internal Revenue Service Concept Of Medical Expense Or Business Loss. So After Mania, When Most Depressed, You're Given Excellent Reason To Be Even More So.

Suicide Note: The Calm, Cool Face Of The River Asked Me For A Kiss. -langston Hughes