I Had A Job As A Paralegal.

Until I Started Doing Standup, There Were Some Very Bleak Days.

Hitler Really Ruined That Mustache For Everybody. It’s Really An Interesting Mustache, But Now, No One Can Wear It.

I Never Thought For A Second That Anything I Ever Did Was Going To Make Someone Cringe. That Never Occurred To Me.

All Of A Sudden I Discovered That I'm Allergic To Caviar. It Was The Perfect Metaphor For My Life. When I Was Only Able To Afford Bad Caviar, I Could Certainly Eat My Fill Of It.

I Guess I Still Feel That I'm A Comedian; If I Had To Pick One Thing That I Feel Like I Could Do, It Would Be That. That Doesn't Mean That I Like It, But I Feel That's What I Am.