I Gotta Quit Smoking, Doctor's Orders, And

So, I Travel A Lot. I Hate Traveling, Mostly 'cause My Dad Used To Beat Me With A Globe.

I Have No Grand Scheme.

Remember When You're Young And You Think Your Dad Is Superman? And Then You Grow Up And Realized He's Just A Drunk Who Wears A Cape.

I've Never Had A Surprise Birthday Party. I've Had Every Other Type Of Surprise. I've Had Surprise Beatings, Surprise Drug Tests, Surprise Daughter I Think.

Sometimes. I Get Recognized, But I'm Not Really A Famous Famous. I'm Pretty Low On The Showbiz Totem Pole - I Mean, I'm No Jon Or Kate Plus Eight. I'm Just A Comic, Not A Baby Factory.